What I Know Now

When I started this blog I was enthusiastic about G-d and community. It was a hard row to hoe at the time and if it hadn't been for the kindness and charity of my fellow Jews online I could not have survived. A massive shout out to you all. And much love. You are all in my prayers.

I really wanted to know G-d, wanted to report what I learned, how G-d informed my life, spoke to me, but most importantly, knowing G-d.


So this is what I know now:

1. G-d is alive and ever elusive. I have no idea what G-d's deal is.

2. If there is a grand plan, I don't know what it is. But when I look back, I see my path.

3. G-d has never let me down.  Life can really suck but I feel G-d's presence almost all the time. I sometimes don't feel it when I am sick. Yet I live in hope. G-d simply is. Present.

4. In extremis, the mystical stuff arises and G-d does speak. Here, I address G-d as the Source.  The Source blesses me with what I call, Abraham's Shield.  Let me tell you, it is a complete mystery to me. This once happened when I was praying in an Anglican cathedral.  For me, that Source is everywhere. And there was no temple handy. The Shield alleviated a ton of distress (and no, it wasn't some psychological denial thing). I don't know why G-d answered my call but G-d did. G-d brought surprise and joy. I still don't know what to make of it. And always, always, I ask, why me.

5. I no longer do daily prayer though I think about it and miss it. It is true, that Jews need each other to keep going, to keep praying, to keep doing, to keep aspiring . But when I do pray, I feel totally connected to G-d. I perceive it as a total blessing that The Source answers and keeps me girded.

6. Isolation from a community of Jews is no life at all.  You will backslide. Backsliding is not a bad thing, but if you are spiritually ambitious and hungry, you just can't advance on your own. Unless you're one of those holy tzaddikim that hold up the world. I am not one. Or a hermit.

7. We are so essentially bound to each other, Jew to Jew, human to human, life to life, all of life,  planet to planet, way out into the universe, it is all true, those cliches.  G-d drives it all, is the engine and bounces in our net.

8. I subscribe to the panentheistic view that G-d is everything.  It began for me with the idea that this world is a thought or image in G-d's mind. But when I think of atoms and subatomic particles I know that we are all G-d as much as we are star stuff. And G-d is all.  Yet G-d is so much more, stuff we can't fathom, transcendent. It fits with stories in the Torah about G-d telling Moses to keep barriers between G-d and the people lest we die. We just can't stand that much knowledge of G-d.

This is one of those sucky things that doesn't make much sense unless you can imagine that all is suffused with G-d.  Actually, all is G-d. And it's not something that can be intellectualised.

9. When I began this journey, I thought I could get to know G-d, but I really haven't so far, except that somehow G-d has consolidated G-d's presence in answering my dire cries-  G-d's presence is definitely a constant. I feel like G-d has gotten to know me. Or more so, I know that G-d is knowing me. Booyah!

10. It is true that study, prayer, charity and humility can bring one closer to G-d. Imagine if you could see yourself with G-d's eyes; then you know what you were meant for.  It is true that there is a sweetness and a pleasure in studying Torah, in prayer, in acts of kindness, in attempting to know G-d. It all counts, for you. But you need the heart for it.  It's really not religious bullshit.

It is all way more than halacha, it is way more than interdictions, it is way more than restrictions- it is Life, and you do have to possess a  circumsised heart and I think that is the biggest obstacle for all.

My life materially is no better. I struggle. I don't know if the spiritual riches compensate, but I do know that if I had a choice, I would always choose G-d. As mysterious as G-d continues to be. And I still haven't given up on trying to know G-d. Go figure. I'm thinking it's a life's work.